Awarded to CJung

Dear Me,

I have always been torturing myself. I forced myself to do something i dont wan to, I forced myself to be perfect and I forced myself to be up to state!

The person you all see is not the actual me. That was juz a shell, a hard, cold shell. I will always fake a smile and try to stay strong and try not to shed any tears!

The real me is nothing but vulnerable and most of all weak! I tried to be as good as everyone else. I always bad-mouthed other people so myself can look good but in actual I am juz like them, bad, hypocritic and selfish.

I always stayed strong in front of others but my inner self had been torn apart and now it's bleeding. I always remodify myself in fornt of people so i can be a new me. I never had the confindence actually, to be myself because i am afraid others wont accept me for who I am.

I had lots of secrets and i always faced problems but i never told anyone and i will always hide deep inside my heart. Now, it had became a dark hole, consuming me. I always have the fear of others not wanting to be my friend and i feared of being rejected.

Thats why, I tried to be friends with everyone and tried to climb to the top of the chain so i can feel and be accepted. I am not the person you all actually know and i dont want others to pity me for all of this.

I was betrayed and teased.I was shattered and wrecked. I cried and feared. I felt alone.

I am always undecisive and unsure of what to do. Although i had made some choices but it is bad.

I am actually jealous of my friends. I envy their everything because i am juz not up to the level of being as good as them.

I hope you all will understand and hope you all accept me for who I am. I dont know......I am juz lost!